How Green Is Your Grass?
I assume you have heard the saying “The grass is always greener on the other side.” This is a pit we can easily fall into when we assume from what we observe on the surface that the other situation is better than our own. Or that sort of envy that we wish we had this better relationship, better job, better…you name it.
Recently I saw a different quote which states:
“The grass is greener where you water it!”
I loved it! This is so profound: “The grass is greener where you water it!” I just
want to keep saying it over and over! This is the real truth; no matter what something looks like on the outside, the truth is, it is always greener where we water it!
This can be applied to many situations. Today I am going to apply this truth to your significant love relationship. When you complain about your relationship with your partner, ask yourself this question, “How well have I done nurturing this relationship?” Instead of finding the fault in your partner, take a look in the mirror. For many, it is easier to focus on what the other isn’t doing instead of looking at their own responsibility in the relationship.
This is something I see often with the couples who come to my office. I have a partner coming to our session in shock that their loved one wants out of the relationship. Usually this person reports he or she had no idea the other was so unhappy. When I listen to the story of this relationship, I am thinking “How could you not know?” These are very intelligent, smart individuals who right under their nose, didn’t realize how dried up and under nurtured their own garden was.
Ask yourself, have you been more of the nurturer in your relationship or are you more of the taker? Another way to ask this question is: have you been the one over-functioning or under-functioning in your relationship? If you believe that you are the one who does more of the watering, watering and watering and nurturing with little return, then maybe it’s time to turn the spout off, sit back and start thinking about your own needs.
If you have been the one that has been taking, and (when you’re honest with yourself) have not been providing consistent nurturing to your relationship in the way your
partner needs, you would do yourself and this relationship a great service if you would pause and genuinely take ownership of this truth. Not for a brief period of time but for the long-term.
There is almost no excuse to not do this. The resources for men and women to learn how to be better people, better partners are overflowing. There are many books, CD’s, workshops and therapy available. There is really no excuse. So, if you think the grass is greener in some other relationship, look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Have I really done everything I can do to nurture my own garden?”
If you know that you have been giving; that you have been over-functioning, maybe this is a time of grief for you. A time to let go; a time for you to take a risk knowing that your partner may not step up to the plate.
If you can own up that you have not been actively nurturing your relationship, are you willing to take a look in the mirror? Are you willing to get the help you need to learn how to nurture the relationship on a consistent basis? If you have allowed your garden to dry up too much, it’s not reasonable to expect to give it a little taste of water, and then suddenly bloom and grow. The relationship has an imbalance. To mend this you will have to continually give and give before expecting too much in return. This is how it works. Most in the under-functioning position expect immediate returns on their giving. That just isn’t the case, nor should it be your expectation. You may not like this, but these are the facts.
I hope this message gives you hope. If this message rings true for you, I hope you will take responsibility for your role and make the needed changes. Everyone around you will be blessed from this action.
